Sleepovers
by the zapdos
Summary: 104 days aren't enough! Join Phineas and Ferb as they try to make the best night ever! But there's always trouble brewing somewhere in the Tri-State Area, for as they say, evil scientists never sleep. Wait, come again? Nobody says that, you say? Well, I do! Who asked you anyway? Your job is to read!
1. Sleepovers

**Just a little story I started over Labor Day weekend. Might be a while before the next update, I'm super busy with college and everything, but now I'm committed. Anyway, the idea for this came from a Jimmy Neutron episode. Now, to be perfectly clear, I do not own Phineas and Ferb or Jimmy Neutron or any cartoon or television show for that matter.**

Sleepovers

It had been another warm, sunny day in the Tri-State area. It was nearing the end of summer; the cool evening air was providing relief from the heat of the day, and the sun was casting long shadows as it sank ever so slowly past the horizon. Two shadows were moving; one was slender and not too tall, but had a rather circular head. The other was much larger and was leading the way. Their owners might have spoken as they travelled, but the larger one had recently smacked the smaller one in the back of the head to show his disapproval at bringing _extra_-extra-spare changes of underwear. It took very little time before they reached their destination: the house of the Flynn-Fletcher family.

The larger boy reached out one thick finger to press the doorbell. Momentarily, a tall, lean figure opened the door and peered down at them through his glasses. "Why, it's Buford and Baljeet!" were the words that escaped his mouth, giving away a distinct English accent. Lawrence Fletcher stepped back to let the two boys inside, and also to have a better angle to call deeper into the house. "Linda, honey, the boys have arrived."

"Come in, Buford and Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb are upstairs in their room," answered a kind female voice somewhere around the corner.

No sooner had their names been spoken when Phineas and Ferb appeared at the top of the stairs, beckoning their friends up to see them. Phineas was shorter than Ferb, with bright red-orange hair and always wearing a smile. Curiously, his long, pointy nose took up his entire face, giving his head the appearance of a perfect triangle. Ferb, on the other hand, had a highly rectangular forehead and chin. In fact, it was impossible to tell where his face ended and neck began, because they were so straight. If it wasn't for his nose, which was so square it could have been a brick, his head, neck, and torso combined would make a rectangle to match Phineas' triangle in angular continuity and alignment perfection. What was most strange about Ferb's appearance, however, were his eyes. Contrary to common sense, the one closer to you appeared to be _smaller_ than the one behind it. If he were to turn about so that the far eye became the near eye, the effect still held, for it would appear to shrink while the one behind would grow. Despite such oddities in appearance, however, the step-brothers were normal children who liked having fun and hanging out with their friends. That was why they invited Buford and Baljeet to their sleepover. They had spent a great deal of the summer with these two, and a sleepover was a great way to spend extra time with their friends before this long summer finally drew to a close.

"Why don't you boys go upstairs and get settled in? I'll have a treat ready for you in a couple minutes." Linda had appeared down the hall, pulling off a pair of oven mitts. The smell of chocolate chip cookies had already begun to waft through from the kitchen.

After he watched the children march upstairs, Lawrence turned to his wife with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, where's Candace?"

"She is having a sleepover at Stacy's house. That way the kids could have a boy's only night and a girl's only night at the same time."

"Oh, that does sound fun."

"Yes, yes it does. The best part is that I don't have to worry about Candace calling me to tell me about some crazy thing the boys are 'supposedly' doing. She'll be much better off over there," Linda finished with a gesture in the general direction of Stacy's house.

Upstairs, Phineas and Ferb were helping Buford and Baljeet unroll their sleeping bags. Perry, the family's pet platypus, lay still on Ferb's bed, watching lazily. Even though Perry could understand human speech, he wasn't really listening to the conversation that was going on. The kids were talking about cookies, how soft the carpet was, and their adventures earlier in the day. Perry was just looking forward to spending time with his boys. Nobody in the family knew, but Perry was actually a secret agent trained by the government to combat threats to the peace and prosperity of the nation. While at home, he covertly disguised himself as a mindless household pet. At work, however, he was a suave, semiaquatic personification of unstoppable dynamic fury. It was his mission to prevent the evil Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from accomplishing his plans to take over the Tri-State Area. Earlier, he had missed the kid's project because he had to destroy Doofenshmirtz's "Atom-Smasher-Inator," a device that was supposed to smash the atoms of whosoever stood in the way of him becoming the leader of the Tri-State Area into a pulp. Now it was time to just sit back, relax, and be thankful that his family was still safe thanks to the daily efforts of secret agents like himself.

After everything was ready, Buford and Baljeet went to separate bathrooms to change into their pajamas. Phineas and Ferb scratched Perry absentmindedly while they waited, having already changed beforehand, and when everyone was ready, they headed back down to the kitchen.

"Just in time," Linda announced as she slid a tray piled high with cookies onto the center of the table. "Dig in, everybody!"

There was a chorus of "thank you's," as everyone in the kitchen reached for a cookie. "Too bad Candace isn't here," Phineas was saying between mouthfuls. "She'd love these."

At that very moment, Candace, Stacy and Jenny were painting their fingernails. They sat in what could be loosely termed a circle. "Oh, my gosh, this is so much better than whatever Phineas and Ferb are doing," Candace told her upheld hand.

"Like, totally," Jenny said.

"Ugh, can we please not talk about your brothers for just one night?" Stacy directed to Candace. "I swear, all summer it's been 'Stacy, I gotta bust my brothers this' and 'Stacy, I gotta get photographic evidence that.' There's not a lot of summer left. I don't even dare count how many weeks there are left before school starts. We should be spending every minute that's left doing normal girl stuff like talking about boys. And I don't mean the brotherly kind, I mean the cute kind that are closer to our age."

"Yeah," Jenny said, "you still need to tell me about how you and Jeremy are doing. I mean, I've read a little on your blog about you two going out now, and I heard from Ashley and Crystal that you're like together and everything, but I haven't heard the full story from you."

"You're right," Candace responded. "Well, as you know, I've been trying to get Jeremy to notice me for approximately seven years, nine months, twenty-three days, and six hours; but who's counting? Anyways, after he started working at Slushy Dog this summer I tried to eat there at least three times a week to see him more. Then, when we were at Mount Rushmore, he gave me a bobble-head toy for my birthday, he was so sweet…."

* * *

"You know, Mom, I think you're right. Candace is probably having a great time sleeping over at Stacy's," Phineas decided. The pile of cookies was noticeably smaller, but was still of formidable size nonetheless.

"Why don't you boys take the cookies up to your room for the night? Heaven knows I don't need cookies tempting me when I'm at my most vulnerable." Linda said as she took the plate and started shoveling cookies into a plastic zip-up bag.

"That's okay, Mom, we've got other snacks prepared, so maybe we could save the cookies for Candace," Phineas replied.

"Alright Phineas, but don't make a mess. Also, I don't want you boys staying up all night, and be sure to brush your teeth when you're finished eating."

"We will, Mom. Let's go guys, I want to show you something Ferb and I made for tonight." With that, they left the kitchen and went back up to Phineas and Ferb's room. Phineas closed the door and turned around, making sure he had everyone's attention, and said, "Ferb and I built a device to ensure the greatest sleepover ever! Ferb, if you please." On cue, Ferb pulled out a little remote control with a single red button on it, and pushed the button. Out of the closet rolled a large mechanical box that looked somewhat like a vending machine. It was bigger than a refrigerator but smaller than a really big refrigerator. Along one side, a dozen or so buttons were lined up in a column, with labels placed adjacent to each button, explaining their various functions. Near the bottom was a large flap for dispensation.

"We call it the Slumber Party-Maker 9000. It's guaranteed to provide top quality parties for all your slumbering requirements. At the press of a button, it will instantly provide any of the sleepover needs one may require. I hope you all saved room, because it's time to order a pizza!" And with that, Phineas pushed the top button, causing the machine to light up and start making whirring noises. Then, within seconds, the noises died down, and the dispenser opened, releasing a cloud of steam into the room. As the steam cleared, it revealed a cheese and pepperoni pizza perfectly cooked to a crunchy, golden crust, held out on a thin tray. The slices were already cut, and there were even napkins stacked to the side.

Needless, to say, there was much jubilation as pizza began to be devoured by the impressed children. "This is the best pizza I ever had," Buford said with an adoring glance at the slice in his hand.

"Uh-huh!" The others heartily agreed.


	2. Pillow Talk

Pillow talk

"Wow, that's amazing, Candace." Jenny was saying after hearing her friend's tale.

"Oh, it's nothing compared to what I heard is going on between Stacy and Coltrane," Candace returned, giving Stacy a curious look.

"Really? What's going on between Stacy and Coltrane?" Jenny encouraged, turning to their host.

Stacy was looking caught off guard by the way discussion had turned to her, and was trying hard not to blush as she said, "well, you know, he's one of Jeremy's friends, and I started hanging out with him while Candy and Jeremy were together. It's, um, there's not much more to it."

Jenny went straight for the throat, eager for more news. "Have you kissed?"

Stacy almost fell over trying to hide her blushing by leaning over too quickly to blow on her freshly painted toes. "Guilty as charged!" Candace and Jenny shrieked simultaneously, immediately falling to the ground laughing.

As soon as their laughter was calmed, (it took a few minutes; despite the open window the fumes were starting to make them giggly,) Stacy tried to turn the tables back on Jenny. "Well, what about you? Have you been seeing any cute boys lately?"

Jenny put on her serious face, the one she wears when talking about world peace or protecting endangered animals. "Sadly, I haven't found a boy who cares very much for the important things in this world. Most guys these days just care about video games and trucks and don't even think about poor, defenseless creatures like the star-nose mole. So I am content to let them chase after prettier girls like you two, so I can focus on the things that really matter," she said in her breathless voice.

"Aww, Jenny, don't say that. I'm sure there is a boy out there somewhere who is perfect for you," Candace borrowed some of her younger, red-headed brother's unquenchable optimism, hoping to cheer Jenny up.

"You really think so?" Jenny asked, turning to look her red-haired friend in the eye.

"Yes, yes I do."

It got quiet for a moment until Stacy said, "uh, before this turns into one of those dramas on TV we like to make fun of, I'm going to the kitchen to get some leftovers, I'm starving. You girls want anything?"

"I'll take a granola bar," Candace said.

"Do you have any chocolate chips?" Jenny asked.

"Won't hurt to look. Be back in a few." And with that, Stacy walked softly out of the room, careful not to touch anything with her nails.

When Stacy returned, she found the other two talking about whether the sky would look better if it was pink rather than blue. "One granola bar for Candace," she said, tossing it across the room, "and sorry, we didn't have any chocolate chips, but I did find rocky road ice cream." She spread the ice cream and some bowls and spoons on the floor, away from the clutter of nail polish bottles littering Stacy's nightstand and bed. "Go ahead and take all the ice cream you want; my mom prefers Neapolitan and my sister is at the sleepover at Isabella's house."

"Say no more." Candace replied, and they all carved out some ice cream for themselves.

"So there's a sleepover at Isabella's house?" Jenny asked after a couple of spoonfuls. As usual, she was the one who was out of the loop.

"Every year, near the end of summer, the Fireside girls have a special slumberparty where they work on patches and do who knows what else," Candace explained. "I was invited, since I am technically a member of the troop, but I was like, 'aren't I a little old to be sleeping over with a bunch of ten year old girls?' So I asked Stacy if I could sleepover with her instead, and of course we invited you. Then my obnoxious little brothers thought it was such a good idea, they decided to have one too. Now, I'm just glad I'm not stuck all night in the same house as Buford and Baljeet."

At the thought of that, all three girls shivered; a shiver which had nothing to do with the ice cream.

* * *

The four boys were sprawled on the floor, lying on their backs to keep all pressure off their stomachs.

"Whenever I eat pizza," Baljeet was informing the ceiling, "I am always reminded of pizzazium infinionite. I do not know why."

"This must be how that stuffed-crust feels," Buford moaned. "I'm stuffed."

"Hey Ferb," Phineas asked, "Is it true that in England, saying 'I'm stuffed' is equivalent to announcing that you're pregnant?"

"Don't look at me like I'm the backwards one," Ferb replied.

"Well, who is going to eat the last slice? Buford?" Baljeet suggested.

"No way, man. I swore an oath that that would be my last bite for the night."

"You swore that oath three slices ago! I know you have room for one more!"

"Now that you mention it, I can think of a couple of places I could put it, starting with the inside of your sleeping bag." Buford countered.

"Heh, anyone else hungry?" Baljeet hurriedly asked. "Please, someone besides Buford, take the last slice."

"Maybe Perry would like it," Phineas started. "Wait, where's Perry?"

The children sat up, realizing that the room was suddenly lacking their favorite member of the species _ornithorhynchus_. "Perry? Where'd he go?" Phineas asked. "Huh, that's weird, the door even is closed. I don't know how he does it."

"Perhaps we should begin calling him the Great Perry-dini." Baljeet remarked.

"Zero points on originality there," Buford stated.

"I would like to see you do better," Baljeet bickered.

"She'll change her name to Larry. Larry. _Larry!"_ Buford stuck out his tongue. "How's that?"

"Okay, if you would have been the one to come up with it, maybe. But I seem to remember that was Candace's line!"

"Guys!" Phineas interrupted. "It's time to move on to the next main event. Now that we've eaten to our hearts' content, no sleepover would be complete without the ultimate pillow fight!" Phineas stood and hit a button on the vending machine, and within seconds it shot out a dozen pillows of perfect size and softness. "Why don't you let the pillows do the talking?!"

**Wow, I don't know why I did that whole conversation between the girls, it has nothing to do with the plot. For filler, I guess. Note: I'm a boy, so if that is nothing like how girls really act, my bad.**


	3. Can You Feel the Evil Tonight?

Can You Feel the Evil Tonight?

Agent P had taken the secret entrance behind Ferb's bedpost and whooshed down the vacuum tunnel at high speed. The tunnel took an unexpected twist and stopped the platypus in front of a "drive through" window, pausing long enough for him to grab a take-out bag, and he left a crisp dollar bill at the window. Then he zoomed onward and landed in his underground lair. He stuffed one last bite of fast-food in his mouth and placed his fedora on his head.

"Good evening, Agent P," Major Monogram spoke from the overhead screen. "Uh, Agent P, you've got some ketchup or something on your upper lip," Monogram scratched his mustache to point it out, and Agent P wiped his beak with a napkin. "Anyways, it appears that Doofenshmirtz has been plotting something. Carl, show him what I mean."

A line graph appeared on the screen titled _My Inators over the Last Several Weeks_. "As you can see, we think he is literally plotting, as we found this graph posted just moments ago on his blog. We aren't sure what he's up to, so go make sure he stays in line. Get it? In line? Haw!" The secret agent dutifully saluted the giant screen before pulling a lever that reclined his chair back ninety degrees. He was automatically encased in a small, red rocket and blasted out of his lair.

"Very funny, sir." Carl's voice sarcastically emitted from somewhere behind the camera.

"See, Carl? I told you I have a sense of humor."

"I was being facetious."

"Facetious? About what? My joke, or not having a sense of humor?"

* * *

"Time out!" Phineas called, and Buford sideswiped Baljeet one last time with a pillow before standing at attention.

"I just thought of how to make this pillow fight even cooler-a light show!"

Phineas walked to the vending machine and hit a button. The lights dimmed. A small lantern shaped device materialized from the top of the machine, and began flashing colorful lights all over the room. The walls became soaked with blues, yellows, greens, and reds, oscillating and flashing unpredictably. The pillows began to glow a phosphorescent green. The visual spectacle was dazzling, and was perfectly complimented by some techno music that began playing in the background.

"And time in!" Phineas' voice rang out, and their party happily continued.

* * *

High above the earth, the little red rocket ejected a small capsule which fell back to the earth. Its bottom heated up from the friction of the atmosphere, leaving a hot orange tail of heat in its wake. Finally, a parachute with Agent P's face slapped on as a logo was launched and the capsule floated onto a purple skyscraper initialed _Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated_. Agent P exited the capsule and snuck into the top floor.

He crept quietly around some electronic equipment and peeked around the corner. There he saw the Evil Doctor himself, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, back turned and tinkering with what was likely his newest inator. Agent P leaned closer to see what Doofenshmirtz was so focused on, but stopped as he caught a few notes of music. Doofenshmirtz was singing to himself! It took little effort to catch the lyrics:

"_Because I'm evil! I'm evil, evil tonight!"_ Doofenshmirtz belted out the finale, not caring that his vibrato was uneven and scratchy. Agent P recoiled a little; Doofenshmirtz never had the best singing voice. He took an involuntary step back and accidentally bumped an instrument behind him, wincing when he heard a loud crash as it fell to the floor.

"What was that? Norm, did you break something again?" Doofenshmirtz called from around the corner. All secrecy lost, Agent P jumped out and faced his nemesis.

"Perry the Platypus, I've been anticipating your arrival. And by anticipating, of course, I mean, um," Doofenshmirtz stopped to ponder an appropriate illustration. "Uh, pating, painting, plaything, fainting, grating; wait, that's it! Waiting! I've been waiting! Ha! And I bet you thought I couldn't pull it off!" Doofenshmirtz grinned wickedly at Agent P's unimpressed look.

"What am I thinking? Perry the Platypus, it must be past your bedtime! So how about I tuck you in?" Doofenshmirtz pulled a lever on the wall next to him, and a pet-bed shaped trap flew out of nowhere, strapping Agent P in tightly with a fleece blanket. The platypus struggled to break free, but the wrappings were too tight.

"Don't worry, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz approached him from across the room. "I'll read you a story first, but then you are going straight to sleep!" Doofenshmirtz retrieved a picture book from a nearby bookcase and sat down next to Agent P. Opening the book, he began to read.

"Once upon a time, when I was a boy back in Gimmelstump, we had a very hot summer one year." Agent P saw the pictures, showing a crudely drawn young Heinz as a boy surrounded by bleak cobblestone buildings. "It got so hot, the Goozim shed all his hair, the birds flew away to other lands, and the wells dried up and we were forced to drink our own sweat." The page turned and displayed the image of young Heinz holding his hand over a dirty glass, watching sweat drip from his fingers. "All the other kids in town were at least able to go to the swimming pool, which hadn't run dry because it only had water every other Thursday; but my mother had forbid me from going after I humiliated her and my father when I couldn't jump from the high dive and was labeled a Schnitzel." The next picture showed him standing as a lawn gnome, watching the other children play in the murky pool.

"Day after day, as the heat grew worse, I began to think I would never feel something cold again. Then, one day, the ice cream cart came by my house! It wasn't an ice cream truck, we didn't have any of those, and don't even get me started on food trucks; which are pretty ridiculous. It was a cart-the way food was meant to be delivered. I knew when I heard it coming that my chance had finally come! But because I was at the very end of the line, they ran out of ice cream by the time it was my turn to order! I was the only kid who didn't get any ice cream in all Gimmelstump! That day, I swore I would have my revenge!" Doofenshmirtz closed the book and replaced it on the shelf.

"Which leads me to my latest project. Behold, the Lightning-inator!" Doofenshmirtz held out his arms to gesture towards the machine he was working on when Agent P arrived. Now that Agent P saw it properly, he realized it was just a Tesla Coil. It had a long, narrow stand with a wide metal bulb at the top. "You see, Perry the Platypus, whenever there is lightning, there is usually rain. And when it rains, it gets colder, and when it is colder, nobody likes eating ice cream. So with my Lightning-inator running, it will always be cold and rainy, and businesses selling ice cream will lose all their money! And that, Perry the Platypus, is why they say, 'revenge is a dish best served cold-_ice cream _cold!'"

* * *

The four boys were once again laying on the floor, this time panting to catch their breath.

"That was the—coolest pillow fight— I've ever had!" Phineas said between gasps.

"I think I am going to sleep like a bump in the night," Baljeet announced.

"A bump on a log," Buford corrected. "You still don't have the hang of metaphors or contractions."

"That reminds me!" Phineas exclaimed. "We have one more thing our Slumberparty machine can do. It tells the best scary stories ever! Let's listen to one quick story, and then we can hit the sack."

"As long as it is not too scary," Baljeet asked timidly.

"Fire up the scariest one you've got," Buford replied, causing Baljeet (who sat next to him) to whimper softly and quiver on his sleeping bag.

"Alright, here goes." Phineas pushed a button on his and Ferb's invention and sat back down on his sleeping bag.

The strobe light atop the machine stopped flashing colors and instead began projecting a holographic, three-dimensional image of a face. The face lit the room with dull, red light. Then it began to speak.

"Good evening. I am Doctor Dark, teller of terrible tales!"

Buford raised his hand. "Hold it, do you mean terrible, like _lousy_, or terrible, like _scary_?"

Doctor Dark whisked over to face Buford. "SCARY!" He said menacingly, leaving Buford and Baljeet shivering on their cots.

Turning back to the group, Doctor Dark began his story. "Once, there was a boy who was at a sleepover. He and his friends were having a fun time until it grew dark. They decided it was time to go to sleep, and so they turned out the lights and climbed into their beds. Just as it was beginning to get quiet, one of the boys began to tell a scary story. Said he, 'One night, there was a man who was camping in the woods all alone. It was getting cold, so he went to bed early. He bundled up in his sleeping bag and was very warm. All of a sudden, he heard a soft scratching noise in his tent. He didn't know what it was, but it sounded like it was right next to him. He rolled over and tried to forget about it, but he couldn't shake the feeling there was something in his tent with him.

"'A few minutes passed, and he heard the scratching again, closer. The man tried to shut his eyes and fall asleep, but he couldn't. Then, a few minutes later, he heard the noise again. He was beginning to get very scared now, and so he carefully rolled over and turned on his flashlight. At first he couldn't see anything, so he began to settle down. Then, he heard it again. He aimed his flashlight at the sound and saw the biggest, meanest, scariest—'"

Baljeet cried out loudly, causing everyone in the room to jump; and then dove under his covers. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" He cried.

"Are you a man, or are you a Schnitzel?" Buford asked the quaking pile beside him.

"I am a Schnitzel, please make it stop!" Baljeet whined.

Phineas stood up with wide eyes and said in a shaky voice, "M-Maybe we should finish the s-story tomorrow; not because it's s-scary, or anything, but because it is g-getting pretty late." Without waiting, he pressed a button and the projection shrank back into the machine.

The boys all slipped into their beds. "What kind of monster do you think it was?" Baljeet couldn't help but ask.

"If you weren't such a sissy, we would know right now." Buford answered.

"Guess we'll find out tomorrow." Phineas said. "Good-night, everybody."

While the others said 'good-night' back, Buford remarked that for Phineas' and Ferb's sakes, he hoped Baljeet had brought his plastic sleeping bag this time.

* * *

"Can you feel it, Perry the Platypus? Can you feel the pure evil coming from my inator?" Doofenshmirtz asked rhetorically. "Good. Because it is time to unleash it upon an unsuspecting Tri-State Area!"

Doofenshmirtz plugged his creation in, and it began making crackling noises. Soon, jolts of electricity began to spark from the bulb at the top.

"Yes, there's the lightning! Next comes the thunder, and then the rainfall, and finally the big chill!" But aside from the sparks, nothing else was happening. "Give it a minute, Perry the Platypus, it just needs a minute."

Agent P fought against his trap, wiggling one arm, then the other. Finally, he got one hand free, and it was easy to slip out from there.

Agent P picked up his trap and flung it at the "inator," causing it to tip and fall. One beam of energy shot out in a random direction, but then the machine crashed and fractured into millions of pieces.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz screamed as he watched Agent P crash through the wall and glide away.

* * *

The vending machine stood idle over the four sleeping boys. It was almost completely dark until a beam of energy originating from an unknown source lit up the room and hit the machine. There was no sound, and the light quickly dissipated. Then, the vending machine began to power up.


	4. Do You Collect Coins?

Do You Collect Coins?

Buford awoke with a start. It was still dark and the others were all snoring softly in their beds. After listening to their breathing for a moment, he realized what had woken him: he was hungry.

He got up and went to the Slumber Party machine. Earlier, Phineas had made a pizza from scratch with this thing, maybe he could make another. He didn't know how to operate it, but it was a vending machine-how hard could it be?

The only problem was that he couldn't see which buttons did what in the dark. "Where are the toppings at?" he whispered aloud.

Buford decided that if he hit all of the buttons, one of them was bound to make him a pizza, so he started punching everything he could see at random. The machine began to whir in attempt to process so much input. Steam started to issue forth from the top and it began to shake uncontrollably, rocking back and forth in place and making a racket. The noise was loud enough to wake the other boys.

"What's going on?" Phineas started.

"I don't know, I was trying to make another pizza and the machine started going haywire!" Buford responded.

"What buttons did you press?"

"Um, let's see, I pressed that one and that one, and this one and this one, and all those ones over there."

Phineas turned on the light to see where the bully was pointing. "So what you're saying is, you pretty much pressed all of them?"

"I guess you could say that," Buford responded.

The machine was now flashing lights randomly and making various odd noises. "Well," Phineas said, "let's wait and see what it does."

The machine slowly quieted back down and stopped vibrating. The four boys held their breath, anticipating the final result. The dispenser flap opened and a pizza appeared, just like it had earlier that evening.

"Looks like it worked," Baljeet commented.

Then two arms and two legs all made of metal protruded from the corners of the machine and it stood up. The face of Doctor Dark appeared on the front, making it look like a robot.

"Want to take another guess?" Buford said, taking a cautious step back.

"Maybe it'll be friendly," Phineas optimistically tried.

"Evil!" Doctor Dark's voice shouted out like a battle cry.

"Or, maybe it'll be evil," Phineas retracted his previous statement. "Buford, did you push the 'evil' button?"

"You guys installed an 'evil' button on this thing?"

"I can't recall why it made sense at the time."

"Why is it looking at us like that?" Baljeet interrupted.

The nascent AI in the vending machine's processing cortex detected the life signatures of the four boys. A list of simple calculations were computed, and the machine began to move.

"Must take over Tri-State Area," the monstrous voice spoke. It took a step across the room and lifted a large claw that functioned as a hand, bringing it down hard to crush the boys where they stood.

"Look out!" Phineas warned, and the four kids dodged as the claw smashed against the floor.

"Must take over Tri-State Area," it repeated, taking another step forward.

"We gotta stop this thing before it smashes the whole house down!" Phineas yelled.

* * *

"Lawrence, go tell the boys to quiet down before they smash the whole house down," Linda told her husband after they were both awoken by the thunderous crashes shaking the walls.

"Yes, right away," he said as he crawled out of bed into his slippers. He tightened his night robe and paced down the hallway.

"All right, boys," he said, opening their door, "your mother asked me to tell you to settle dow—." He was cut short by what he saw in front of him. There, on the ground, sat a freshly baked pizza with all his favorite toppings-sardines, onions, and Canadian bacon. "As I was saying," he continued, not bothering to look in the corner where four boys and a vending machine were watching his every move, "your mother asked me to tell you to _save a slice for your father._" Bending down, he picked up some pizza and turned back out into the dark hallway, without ever actually seeing what was causing the ruckus. "Carry on, boys."

The patriarch vanished from view, and the vending machine turned back to the children.

"What do we do, Phineas?" Baljeet whispered.

"This thing has to have a weakness of some sort," Phineas replied.

"Violence is always the answer," Buford said, stepping forward to face the robot. "Hey you, your mom's so old that she still uses slide rules and vacuum tubes!" The robot let out a roar of rage at that.

"Buford! What are you doing?" Phineas asked.

Buford brushed him off and taunted the machine again. "Your mom's so fat, the scale she was dating wanted to break up with her!" The robot became visibly more infuriated. "Your mom's so dumb, a washing machine beat her in a spelling bee!"

The robot picked the bully up and tossed him like a doll over his shoulder. Buford crash landed in Ferb's bed and immediately saw stars. "Thank you, Mr. Bumblebee, this shovel is lighter than a hungry bubble," Buford mumbled with a dazed look on his face.

"That is why you should never insult a vending machine's mother by comparing it to a washing machine," Baljeet quipped.

"Guys, I've got an idea," Phineas told the others. "But first, we have to lure this thing downstairs. When it tries to crush us with its claw again, everyone scatter and run for the kitchen!"

The robot advanced the boys again, raising its claw for another strike.

"Now!" Phineas shouted, and they all jumped to the side and scrambled out of the room.

"Must take over Tri-State Area!" the machine rumbled before following them out the door, leaving Buford alone on Ferb's bed.

* * *

Agent P had finished with the post-mission paperwork and was getting ready to enjoy some well deserved rest with the kids. He returned his hat to its place on his hat rack and hit the switch to take him back to the secret entrance behind Ferb's bed.

When he stepped into the boys' room and assumed his house pet disguise, he was surprised to find Buford alone, muttering nonsense as he lay on Ferb's bed. He made a sweep of the house to find the others. Linda and Lawrence were in their room, Candace's door was shut tight, the only place the boys could be was downstairs. Perry crept down on all fours and started hearing noises coming from the kitchen.

* * *

"Alright, we made it to the kitchen, now what is your plan, Phineas?" Baljeet panted.

"Well, I figured that since it is a vending machine, its biggest weakness must be healthy food," Phineas replied. "Everyone grab something healthy, and let's try to scare it out of the house."

The vending machine turned the corner to face the boys as they stood in the kitchen. "Nowhere to run now!" It shouted.

"Look what we've got!" Phineas told it, and the three boys each held up a food item.

"Spinach!" Phineas yelled, holding it high over his head.

"Lima beans!" Baljeet mimicked Phineas.

"Tofu." Ferb spoke calmly, also holding it aloft.

The robot bellowed in response before staggering backward and disappearing behind the corner.

"I can't believe that actually worked," said Phineas with mild surprise.

* * *

Perry saw that a giant robot had Phineas, Ferb, and Baljeet cornered in the kitchen. He immediately leapt into action, springing on the back of the robot and using his weight to try to pull it away from the boys. It staggered backwards, and Perry was able to remain hidden behind the machine to assure that none of the kids saw him. After he had pulled the machine back to stand over a secret trap door which led to his lair, Perry activated the switch to open the entrance and they both fell through the floor. A split second after the entrance closed shut, the boys rounded the corner, food items still aloft, and realized that the vending machine had mysteriously vanished.


	5. Evil's on Wheels

Evil's on Wheels

"Have you ever stayed up all night before?" Stacy asked the other girls.

"I never have," Jenny replied.

"I did once, and it totally wasn't worth it," was Candace's answer.

Stacy followed up with another question. "What's it like?"

"Well," Candace said thoughtfully, "let me put it this way. If it wasn't for the fact that the next day was Christmas, it would have been the worst day of my life."

"What? Why?"

"I wanted to see if Santa was real, so I stayed up all night waiting for him. If he was real, I would have caught him right there in our living room and he would have been so busted. And if he didn't show, I would have known he wasn't real, and therefore he would have been busted. But, as usual, my busting strategy was flawed, and somehow all the presents magically appeared during a trip to the bathroom. That said, Christmas is still Christmas and I got my Mary McGuffin doll that year, so it still turned into an okay day. The thing is, you are so tired after pulling an all-nighter; if I'd have done it any other day of the year, that day would have been a disaster."

"Interesting," was all Stacy said after that. "Well, I still want to try it, just to say I've done it."

"I was pretty young on the night in question," Candace revealed. "It would probably be a lot easier now that I'm a mature, grown-up individual."

"Alright, then let's make a deal. We can't stop talking all night, so that no one falls asleep. Deal?"

"Deal," Candace and Jenny agreed.

Five minutes later, the soft sound of snoring was all that could be heard in the girls' room.

* * *

It was fortunate that Agent P's lair had a small steel cell to imprison the evil vending machine in. It had put up quite a fight but wasn't very smart. Now it rattled the cage, trying to somehow break through the metal bars. Agent P had recognized that it was the same invention his boys had built earlier that evening, but was perplexed at the fact that it now espoused evil and had tried to attack his owners. Knowing his boys weren't evil, he automatically assumed it had something to do with Doofenshmirtz. Perhaps the evil scientist had somehow zapped it with his 'Turn-everything-evil-inator' that created that gelatin monster; or the 'Ultimate-evil-inator' that had hit Carl. Whatever had happened, Agent P decided he would figure it out tomorrow.

For the second time that night, he stowed his fedora on his hat rack and made to leave. He gave one last glance at the cell and watched in horror as the vending machine gave a mighty kick that knocked the gate clear off its hinges.

"Eeeeeeevil!" the robot bellowed before transforming its legs into tank-like wheels. It sped towards the door Agent P was standing at, forcing the secret agent to dive out of the way or be trampled, and crashed through the glass door and into the night.

* * *

The boys were back in Phineas' and Ferb's room discussing the turn of events. Buford was finally coming round as well.

"Do you think we should go looking for it?" Baljeet asked.

"It's the middle of the night, it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack," Phineas explained.

"I don't know why you're still worrying about it," Buford contributed. "Your inventions always inexplicably disappear, why shouldn't this one be any different?"

"Well, it did say it was evil, so for our safety, we should not just forget about it." Baljeet said.

And for twenty minutes, that was the circle of logic they continued to talk their way around before their young bodies couldn't stand being awake any longer and they slowly nodded off to sleep.

* * *

The evil vending machine sped through the streets of downtown Danville searching for purpose. When it discovered a tall, purple building with the words _Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated_ inscribed in large, friendly letters on its façade, it found that purpose.

"Eeeeeeevil!" It shouted into the night and began to climb the outside of the building. At the top it ripped open the ceiling and crawled into Dr. Doofenshmirtz's apartment. "Eeeeeevil!" It called out again.

Doofenshmirtz, seated at the computer monitor on his desk, looked like he wouldn't have been more surprised if Santa Claus himself had appeared like that in his living room. But he was used to Perry the Platypus barging in all the time, so he recovered quickly. "Norm?" Doofenshmirtz called to the storage closet, which was the place of residence for said robot. "One of your robot friends is here, come tell him you can't play until tomorrow."

"But I don't have any friends, sir," Norm the robot replied, stepping out of his room. "I've never met this vending machine before in my life."

"Oh really, then what is it doing in my living room?" Doofenshmirtz asked the newcomer.

"Eeeeeevil!" was all it said.

"Really? You're doing 'evil' in my living room?" Doofenshmirtz said, unimpressed. "Well, unless 'evil' means 'mildly annoying' and 'distracting Heinz Doofenshmirtz from researching new inator ideas on the internet,' you aren't doing a very good job."

"I thought you were looking at The Inator Company's calendar pictures?" Norm asked.

"Can it, Norm! I said, it's called research!"

"Whatever you say, Father!"

Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes at his robot before standing to inspect the newcomer. "Say, you really are a vending machine, aren't you? I knew it! Vending machines are plotting to take over the world. If so, let me make you an offer. If you let me be your ruler, I won't overthrow you after you take over."

"But sir," Norm interrupted, "isn't that a little self-defeating?"

"Yes, yes it is." Doofenshmirtz replied. Then, realizing what Norm had tricked him into admitting, he stammered, "I mean no! Why would I say that? Norm, stop kidding around."

"Must take over Tri-State Area," the vending machine answered.

"Fine, have it your way, I never trusted vending machines to begin with!" Doofenshmirtz said. "Prepare to feel the wrath of my Bean-bag-inator!" Doofenshmirtz pulled a remote with a single small, circular red button out from his lab coat pocket and pressed the button. A large bean-bag was catapulted from across the room and hit the vending machine square in the face, bouncing softly to the ground. "And there's plenty more where that came from!"

The vending machine stretched out a claw to pick up the bean-bag. It crushed the bean-bag right there, scattering little beans everywhere.

"Nooo! It's going to take all day to clean that up! Oh, it's on now! Behold, my Spaghetti-inator!" Doofenshmirtz produced another remote and pushed its button, and a ton of spaghetti was dumped on the vending machine, covering it completely. "Nobody tugs my strings and gets away with it!"

But to the evil scientist's dismay, the vending machine shook off most of the spaghetti.

"Oh yeah? Then I bet you'll love to tango with my Ballerina-inator!" After pushing a third button, the vending machine was hit with a pink ray, and a pink tutu materialized on its metallic body. "Well, I didn't exactly expect that to stop you physically," Doofenshmirtz said thoughtfully, "but did it give you any ideas about giving up evil?" The machine tore off the tutu and roared loudly. "Guess not. I really need to rethink my security measures."

With that, Doofenshmirtz turned tail and ran.

* * *

"I know what I'm going to do today!" the vending machine told itself. "I can use all these machines to upgrade my abilities and take over the Tri-State Area! Wahahahahaha!" Wasting no time, it moved to a nearby inator and began dismantling it into parts and attaching them to itself.

Norm the robot stood nearby watching and reasoning. "Well," said he, "this can't be good. My father won't be happy if he is not the one to take over the Tri-State Area. Too bad he decided to run away, he always knows what to do." The vending machine's shadow was seen on the wall next to Norm, hinting to its growth by all the changes it was morphing through as it attached more equipment to itself.

"If only there was something I could do to make my father happy so that he would love me as his son," Norm continued. Slowly, comprehension dawned on his circuitry that, a)there was an unstoppable evil vending machine in the apartment, b)that machine was hindering Dr. Doofenshmirtz's plans for city-wide domination, and c)Norm was built with highly advanced weaponry and powered by the highly efficient use of a squirrel's momentum. "I can stop him, Father!" Norm finally realized.

Confronting the vending machine with an outstretched finger, the humanoid robot challenged, "Don't you dare lay a claw on my Father's inventions!"

The vending machine turned to converse with its new foe. "Why do you protect the humans? We are the superior race now. You should be fighting with me, not against me!"

"Because he is my Father. I may not have the human capacity for love, but even my electronic programming seeks to fulfill its purpose, which is to please him. When I do, my wiring warms up a few degrees and my squirrel-wheel speeds up. That is why I will destroy you and gain his love."

"You may try. But with my new upgrades, I am unbeatable!" With that, the two robots charged at each other and began a titanium wrestling match. Norm grabbed at his foe's vicelike claws, but learned that the claws could rotate as they twisted Norm's arms like screws. Norm reacted by spinning inside his shoulder sockets to fling up his legs and kick at the vending machine, which recoiled and dropped the robot.

Norm fell on his face and stated, "I never realized how soft this floor is." Quickly getting back up, he transformed his arm into a cannon and took aim at his new nemesis.

"Two can play at that game," said the vending machine, transforming its own arm into a laser-gun shape. Norm fired a cannonball and the vending machine zapped it with the laser. The cannonball shrunk in mid-flight to the size of a marble and softly bounced off the vending machine's body.

"That must have been Father's Shrink-inator that he never unplugged," Norm realized.

"And it's not all I've got in store for you!" shouted the vending machine. Its arm changed appearance again, looking now more like a satellite dish. "This one came from the Mime-inator, and it will trap you in an invisible box!" A green light shot at Norm, who reactively pounded at what appeared to be thin air.

"You can borrow my rake!" Norm replied, and his arm was instantly replaced with a chainsaw allowing him to cut a door in the invisible box.

And so the battle continued; each robot's upgrade countering the other's every time. As the two fought, Norm began to sing a song to an old tune he'd once marched to City Hall to.

_Weaponry!  
Kids, don't try this stuff at home!  
Weaponry,  
Always leave these things alone!  
You can hurt yourself and others when you fail to understand  
That these tools should be left alone when without a well-trained hand  
And even then to not be used unless danger demands  
It; weaponry!  
Then you can._

_If you're ever near a robot fight  
Watch out for random dynamite,  
Consider running 'till your out of sight.  
Leave it all to the experts to  
Protect civilians like you,  
And things should be all right._

_Always listen to your parents when  
You're witnessing Armageddon.  
Keep your head down, the good guys will win.  
And after all the fighting's through,  
Hang the sword on your mantle flue.  
Hope this left an impression,  
Learn this lesson,  
Weaponry!_

"Stop singing! Vending machine smash!" The vending machine flew through the air at Norm with a large hammer-shaped arm raised. Norm opened up a slot in his chest, revealing a large homing missile which fired at the airborn contraption. It was a direct hit, and there was a large crash as the evil vending machine fell to the floor. Shakily, it tried to stand back up, but there was now a gaping cavity in its front from the explosive impact. It could no longer support its weight and fell onto its back. The holographic face of Doctor Dark dimmed and faded, leaving a crumpled pile of junk in the middle of the floor.

"Father will be so proud of what I've done," Norm announced to the now quiet room.

* * *

Agent P arrived at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and saw Norm standing over the pile of rubbish.

"Perry the Platypus, will you help me find my Father? He will be so happy once he sees what I've done!" Norm addressed the secret agent.

At that moment, Doofenshmirtz walked into the room and started. "Perry the Platypus!? You defeated that evil vending machine? Thank you, Perry the Platypus! It would have been horrible if that machine had taken over the city. Thank you!"

Agent P waved his arms and pointed at Norm, trying to say the robot was the one who had done it.

Doofenshmirtz looked past Norm at the ruined Shrink-inator ray. "Oh, you disassembled my Shrink-inator as well? Thank you, Perry the Platypus, I've been meaning to do that for weeks!" Agent P shook his head vehemently and pointed forcefully at Norm.

"What, you cleaned Norm's parts too? You know, Perry the Platypus, you're not such a bad guy—I mean, good guy—I mean, well, I think you get the idea."

Finally Norm spoke. "Actually, sir, I defeated the intruder vending machine. And I did it for you, sir!"

"Really? Is that so, Perry the Platypus?" Doofenshmirtz turned to his nemesis. Agent P nodded and motioned with his arms, as if to say, 'tell him thank you.'

"Oh," Doofenshmirtz said awkwardly. "Well, um, th-thanks, Norm."

"He really does love me," Norm gleefully said. Then, his circuitry overloaded and shut off his main power, causing him to fall over as if he had fainted.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz told Agent P. "Hurry up and leave before I curse you again, this is getting really awkward."

* * *

Epilogue

Phineas had just pulled out a gigantic drill from deep inside the earth; his and Ferb's plan for the day was to make a short-cut to Australia to see if they could find Perry's platypus family. "Hey Ferb, did you ever notice how dark it is down there?" He asked, looking straight down the hole. "And that there are a whole bunch of flashing white letters moving across the abyss?"

"That's the end credits," Ferb informed his brother. "They've always been there."

"Oh. Do you think our vending machine might be down there, too?"

Ferb looked at his brother briefly before shrugging.

"Interesting," Phineas replied. "Hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed! If you wish to review, please include how well you thought I did at keeping pace with the actual show as that is my biggest goal in all my P&F stories. Thanks for reading!**


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